Sta.sh
Why is this designer of the dying masks?
It began, Time was always there, but the world wasn’t,
the ever flowing river of time rocked along the space and in space, was nature
and its men, Men most unstill creation, Unpredictable in actions, like a swarm
of fishes, they created ripple in time. What we see now, lead to this because
of our ancestors each action. Their each thought lead to a different next
second, the perfect choice, from the vastly offered options lead to this. And
when we look back, and remember our history and their legacy, we say that how
they changed the future. But every man that ever lived, his each decision and
action, brought forth the change in the current of time. They began as dust and
ended as dust, but their some of their stories remained, but some didn’t leave
and atom to be remembered by. The Ones who left a mark are called great,
remembered as the pawns in the chess of time. But then there he was who changed
more than just the time, But everything else, all at once, kept doing it, again
and again. He changed the time, he wrote his legend, He changed his legend,
renamed his legend and it never ended, neither did he.
And this is the beginning of his legend.
First off, ye openin' line has t' hook the audience. Usually I like t' set th' scene first. For example, let's take a warhammer 40k novel. They'll usually start off with:
-
Year XXXX, on the bridge of Retribution's Axe, Brother Captain Andeas stood in solemn silence. He watched on grimly as the Thunderhawk carrying his exploration squad, vapourised into a cloud of fiery debris. The attack had come from...
-
As ye can see the scene is clearly set even with just two sentences, ye can imagine the man watching on as his drop ship is completely destroyed.
I can see that ye wanted to do a prologue here, but the best prologues are sharp and to the point. I personally try to make my prologue half a page to one page if possible. Here ye've tried t' inject too much detail and tried to make it too mystical. A good prologue is always short and sharp and sets the scene effectively. Try it again with that in mind, and ye may find it much better ^^
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
But i do everthing differently. Charles Dickens inspired me to do that. but as u suggested, i'll do another beginning in the way u said ^^
In any case, I hope ye don't mind but I'll do a little self-promotion since me book was just released:
T'would really help me out if ye visited me e-book's publication page and liked or shared it. If ye want t' sample it as well, ye can read the first 15% o' the book free.
Here be th' link (^_^)> [link]
Thank ye
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates